You left to school this morning so excited for the Agassiz Book Fair.
You left for school with your book fair money in your pocket instead of an envelope. You are clearly a guy who does not need to carry his book fair money in an envelope. & You are right. Money is best placed in a pocket.
You left for school this morning so chaotic & confident & with a huge sense of pride. You run towards your bus with leaps & bounds & you greet all the kids & driver & I love you so much.
You adore Agassiz School. You love Mr Lee & Mr Peet & all of "my adults". You are the star of special ed @ Agassiz School. You know all the kids & all the kids know you! You have friends. You & Tony M have been best friends since January 6, 2011. Occasionally you have announced "Tony is not my friend AND I WANT A DIVORCE" but you & Tony always find your way back to your friendship. You have made friends in the General Ed. You are frantic & bold & smart & clever.
You have friends.
You help your classmates.
You are smart
You are in constant motion
You are unusual & wonderful & bold & strange & you have Autism - PDD/NOS & ADHD & a profound anxiety disorder.
You are my guy & you worry all the time. & honestly, you are right to worry. Your life is hard & it is not your fault, Joe, what has happened to you is not your fault.
Autism - KAPOW!
ADHD - WHAMMY!
Anxiety Disorder - YOWZA
Dead Father - KNOCK DOWN
On January 1,2010 you & I left Brooklyn & we came to Chicago & we were together & scared & brave & we came without our Bill & you & I moved to a small apt & you had your 1st day @ Agassiz School & we were in motion. New school, new doctors, new apartment & eventually friends & support & all sorts of changes - good & bad - & you & I managed & kept moving. & I love you so much.
Bill stayed in Brooklyn & it has hard & lonely & necessary & 2010 was filled with all sorts of heart ache & adventure & trauma & bull shit that no child should have to endure & you did & you did so with a huge amount of tantrums & crying & whining & dreadful behaviors & most beloved child - I behaved the exact same way!
& We were together & we kept moving forward & now, we are better & I love you so much.
As you were (literally) leaping off the school bus yesterday you shouted "Can you call me BILL PLEASE?" No. I cannot. It is too hard. I cannot call you Bill. I cannot call you or say "Bill". It is too hard & in my head I am pleading with you to never ask again...This is selfish & I am heartfully sorry my child, but I cannot say 'Bill" or call you Bill. It is too hard for me.
You are 11 1/2.
& you deserve your privacy & a huge amount of respect.
I started this journal /blog in the late winter of 2010.
This is only my 2 cents.
& I love you so much.
Let's do better.
Your father kept a journal for you & Bill's last entry said "I can not wait to see how you turn out" & Bill could not wait. Bill could not wait.
I promise to wait.